Parenting a Traumatized Child: A Whole Child Approach
Raising a child that has survived a traumatic event in the early years of life is hard, complex and impossible to explain to those who have not experienced caring for a child survivor. It is a journey, a way of life and a learning experience. It will consume you and test you, but it will also teach you a deeper understanding of humanity and the ability to help one heal through love, empathy and that positivity and commitment can overcome any darkness.
In order to raise a well-rounded and adjusted child you need to think outside of the box, with a whole child approach. Putting the word, well rounded and adjusted child while referring to a trauma child would make most professionals giggle, as it is completely contradictory to the natural behavior of a child that has experienced traumatic events. This child is often described as agitated, depressed, anxious, angry, uncontrollable, reactive to say the least and yes this is exactly what you will observe in these children. However that does not mean that these children do not benefit from a whole child approach and as the caretaker you must try and envision your child 10 years from now, while giving your all in nourishing your child’ s mental, physical and emotional health, in the hopes that your child will one day feel whole and balanced again.
“The effort that you put into helping your child heal will go far beyond your child. It will possibly end the cycle of future trauma and self-harm, to the next generations to come.”
The Whole Child Approach
It is giving your child the outlets to work both sides of the brain, the intellectual as well as the artistic side equally, it is making sure that your child is being nourished emotionally as well. The outlets should meet the child’s emotions, physical and intellectual needs and can be incorporated to support the child in a balanced way.
-The Arts, such as music, dance, theater, fine Arts. Classical music is a great tool for the young child, not only is it proven to build intellect it is also calming and can help create a sense of calm amid the inner chaos a trauma child is living with.
Building your child’s inner love for themselves by encouragement, self-affirmations such as reminding that child each day that they are beautiful, smart, and loved. Using age appropriate intellectual stimulation such as reading, taking nature walks, making sure that your child is playing and/or has moments of laughter and joy throughout the day, which can be sometimes be difficult for children who are living with the aftermath of trauma. Play can often be overtaken by grief and depression; this is why incorporating a joyful moment each day is so important during these times. If your child does not want to play, then maybe blow some bubbles, decorate cookies or read a happy story together.
Nutrition also plays an important role in balancing mental health, making sure your child is eating whole foods, fresh fruits, vegetables, and whole grains and eliminating refined sugars and processed food. Speaking to your child’s pediatrician about your child’s sleep issues and anxiety may be helpful, there, there are natural supplements that can be incorporated into your child’s dietary needs to help support his/her needs, of course you should discuss with your medical care provider first.
Attending psychotherapy/play therapy sessions weekly, this is where you and your child will be able to speak about the trauma you/and/or your child have lived through, in a safe and understanding place. I cannot stress how important this is for both the survivor and those caring for a survivor. In many cases the caregiver has experienced some form of trauma as well and will need the support to be able to stay mentally healthy for their child.
Having a place to talk about the emotions and aftermath of trauma will help keep you grounded and help understand your child’s emotional pain during this healing journey.
Finding a well-seasoned therapist is important, so do some research and make sure that they are trained in working with survivors of trauma and that they are also experience with working with children. Most importantly test drive a session before you commit, make sure that the therapist is a good match for you and your child. Finding the right therapist is a little like speed dating, but you will know when you find the right person to work with.
Securing a school plan during school hours, is also important as this is where your school age child will spend most of his/her day. Schools are most often not sensitive to the trauma student and little has been done to educate the teachers and staff, on what children who have experienced trauma need, to be able to thrive in a school setting. The first few years off school are a child’s foundation to the rest of their education, their for you want it to be as positive, nurturing and productive as possible. This being a lot more challenging for the trauma child.
The sounds alone in a school can be triggering and the lack of empathy and understanding can be re-traumatizing to a child. My advice is educating the teachers yourself, if they are going to spend 8 hours a day with your child, it is imperative that they understand the complexities of your child.
An IEP will help your child be supported during school hours, and make sure that your child’s needs are respected and met, to make it through the school day. It will also protect your child if he/she is suddenly triggered at school and /or has an uncontrollable outburst. I can’t advocate how important it is for you to relay any psychological trauma to your child’s school prior to the start of the school year, as you want your child’s behavior to have context. Make sure to have all supporting medical and psychological records with you for your IEP team meeting, including letters from your medical team advocating for your child’s needs.
Prior to meeting the IEP team, sit down and make a list of your child’s triggers (sounds, words, gestures, objects etc. ….). Speak up and let the school know what your child will need during the school day, for example, If your child fears male figures, then request that he/she be placed with a female teacher if possible and that all male staff should be properly and slowly introduced to your child prior to interacting with them. If your child is triggered by sudden sounds such as a fire alarm, then ask the school to pre warn your child prior to a fire drill.
As a parent I made sure that my daughters IEP included that she would be permitted to carry her stuffed animal and pacifier into class with her, since this is what she needed to cope with her separation anxiety and triggers, having this in her IEP made sure that teachers could not take these away from her no matter what personal opinions and objections they may have had.
It is important that you meet with your child’s principal and that she informs security about your child’s possible outbursts or tantrums. Because when your child is screaming uncontrollably and laying on the floor, disrupting the entire school, the last thing you want is the mishandling of your child by security or worse a phone call to the police.
Your IEP should spell out as clearly as possible, what should be done and not done during your child’s episodes. When triggered child would lay in the middle of the hallway and scream violently for a good hour, security knew her history and so did the principle. They followed her IEP, Until I arrived to relieve them, thus not making the situation worse than it already was.
Thinking Inside a Creative Box
It means creating a plan for each developmental year, being flexible and creative. Find what works for your child, maybe a structured dance class isn’t the right outlet, but running free in a field is; this is what I mean by flexibility. Finding the right outlets may be slightly more difficult on a budget, so if you can’t afford an art class then create your own art space in your home. Buy some paint, brushes and use recycled materials around your home to create meaningful art. Paint with your child it will not only strengthen your emotional bond but will be therapeutic to the both of you.
When my child was two and I couldn’t afford multiple classes and therapies, I would turn on some classical music, drape a plastic tarp on our living room floor, poor paint on it and, we would paint to Vivaldi or Mozart. This was therapeutic, practically free and fun for any toddler.
Parenting is hard but parenting a trauma child is harder, whether you are a single parent or a couple parenting. The effort that you put into helping your child heal will go far beyond your child. It will possibly end the cycle of future trauma and self-harm, to the next generations to come. Nurture your child and teach them to love and nurture themselves. Even though trauma lives in the body forever, it is learning how to live with the aftermath that keeps one afloat, being given the tools to do so at a young age is the secret to a healthy and productive adult life.
-Ally